One last post … here

It’s so quiet in our small house right now.  Everyone is long asleep and I’ve been left to ponder a few things…

In the past few weeks Nathan and I have been discussing social media and the part we want it to play in our lives etc, especially in the realm of facebook.  We both watched a short video regarding how much privacy has changed with it and how the company is getting sneakier and sneakier with acquiring our information. For those reasons we’ve decided to re-evaluate our place on facebook and such.  We aren’t yet ready to write it off completely or swear we’ll never be back but rather take some time to see how life now a days might look without it both within our relationships with others and with our time day to day.  This is a personal choice and in no way reflects how we think others should think about it but more so how we need to approach it for ourselves.

Kind of like if alcohol is a problem for you don’t drink it, if it’s not a problem go ahead and enjoy.  Everyone has the responsibility to assess what their life needs and to act in it’s best interest.

How does this decision affect (seriously I’ll never know if I’m using that word correctly or not) this blog?  Well it doesn’t but then again it does.

As I’ve returned many times since the arrival of our little one saying how much I want to write blah blah blah yet rarely stay for long, I’ve come to realize that the fear a certain social service agency has placed in me that has made it nearly impossible to write from my heart. And if I cannot write from my heart here, I cannot write … here. 

I recently met with someone that was collecting hours towards her life coach certification, I volunteered to be a guinea pig.  The main thing that came out of our first meeting together was that I needed to write, that writing (though mine could use some serious editing) is a great outlet for me.  Writing could potentially improve so many areas of my life.  Writing could release perhaps a gift or two to the universe while healing my own wounds.  I miss it so much.  And during a time in my life when my value as a human is questionable (to myself that is), when my body often is a liability, when my future seems overwhelmingly … overwhelming, I need to be able to do something that helps me release my thoughts and feelings as well as hopefully touch others experiencing similar ones, even if through entirely different circumstances.  That’s what I got from writing before and I selfishly desire that again.

My hope is that by saying good bye to the blog chapter called: ‘Make Your Own Awesome’ I might be able to make room for something hopefully just as great (or who knows, maybe greater). I also want people following our story of adoption, which by the way is still very much in process, to be able to hear able what happens.  By creating a new space with less obvious clues to who we are (really mostly just our names) and not giving it to a certain social service agency who mean well but can drive one to near insanity, I can continue to connect to you, and perhaps some family friends and others that may stumble upon it.

Though it has been a long while since I’ve written here on a daily basis those days that I did were such an incredible blessing to me.  Hearing from you, whether through email or face to face or on the phone, that something I wrote touched your heart at just the right time made me feel that it wasn’t just a blog but that maybe just maybe Someone greater than myself was using me to reach you.  I want that again.  In my flawed, unedited, imperfect ways.

So thank you for coming along.  Thank you for the chapter called ‘Make Your Own Awesome’.  Thank you for reading, commenting, writing, and listening with your heart.  I hope you will come along for the next chapter as well.

Through my diagnosis of MS and it’s unexpected too quick (in my opinion) progression (little bastard – sorry but it’s true), through the incredibly bumpy, drawn out and, might I add, terrifying ride of the adoption process, along with just crazy everyday life, I have learned that you have no choice but to make your own awesome, or at least try.  Because … this is our only go around in this life (as far as any of us know) and we might as well make the best of things.

On to the next exciting chapter …. :)

Blessings and thank you so so much,

Laura :)

 

 

**If you are interested in following my new blog I can email you the link once it gets up and running just send me a message at makeyourownawesome@gmail.com I will not be advertising it too far around aside from a one time shot on facebook on my personal page.**

Checking in …

Wow, it has been a long time.

I have to say I cannot count the number of times when I just wanted to log in and write a post and hit publish.  There’s so so much that has happened since last July.  So much I’d love to share, so much I hope I’ll be free to share someday.

What I can say is this: Life is never dull.

Is it ever really?  I don’t think so, not if you are living it right.

One of my greatest challenges has been staying in the moment.  I know, not a new challenge for most of us.  It’s not an easy task to remain in time as it is ever on the move.  Hmmm sounds similar to trying to keep up with a busy bee.

For the past several years I’ve been keenly aware of remaining in the moment, of being real with people, and with being open about how I really feel (the latter not always a popular one).  It’s something I want to continue to pursue through out my life.  I think especially right now and particularly with the gifts I’ve been given (disguised as trauma sometimes) I have been forced to take up the challenge of being present.  It’s a good thing really.

As long as I remember to do so I know that I will live with peace, and as much as I can humanly enjoy something or feel the pain of the growth I will and be better for it.

Having written all of the above … I’m currently sitting in an incredibly disheveled main floor, with a list of people to contact about one need or another, with food that needs to be cooked and a washing machine that needs a new … something or other, I’m having a rather difficult time ‘staying in the moment’.  I’d much prefer to hop out into a sparkling clean house, open a fridge of ready to eat food, and to never worry about another wet basement floor caused by a leaky hot water heater, or a rubber glove that’s fallen in the wash basin clogging it and overflowing water during a rinse cycle, or a busted pipe on said wash basin, or a busted hose on the washer (seriously why do people ignore codes when building houses? Put the damn drain in the right room).

Here I sit in the mess.

So, if you will have me, and if I can stand it, I hope to regularly come visit … in the mess.

Watch your step when you come though … those ‘little people’, lego pieces and plastic spoons hurt like H-E-double hockey sticks when you step on them.

Maybe wear shoes.

Be back soon.

(remember: soon is relative).

:)

 

Cracking the Truth

Clearly from my lack of consistency writing will now just happen when it happens.  I would love if it could become more frequent and hopefully at some point it will because I feel like my heart is overflowing with things to share.  I think once again it’s the challenge of sharing with respect to the process, to those involved and with integrity that make it much more difficult to just shoot out some random thoughts.

You see there are so many perspectives I could now share from: new mom, fostering to adopt mom, sometimes grieving mom, potentially adoptive mom, yearning for more mom, woman who doesn’t want to allow her identity to get swallowed up by the title ‘mom’, and on and on it goes.
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Rainbows and Unicorns

Many times when people hear the word adoption their voice immediately goes soft, high pitched and they begin to use words like ‘special’ and no one forgets to add in the compassionate look your way as you share that your little bee has come to you in a somewhat untraditional fashion (mostly to clarify why one day you are hopping in and out of your car and shovelling the driveway and the next day lugging around a baby carrier, yes lugging, they aren’t light!).

Though we aren’t anywhere near the A-word, that is currently the thought (this could change at any point in the process), we are living a lifestyle that is related to adoption. I’d like to think we are living the first cousin of adoption’s life.  Fostering-with-a-view.

I’ve been told that rainbows and unicorns do not exist in the land of adoption.  I wouldn’t be able to say for sure as I’ve never lived there myself.  I can say that they certainly don’t exist in the land of FWAV (fostering with a view).  Also absent are streets made of gold, chocolate houses and money trees.

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Where to Start …

Honestly I don’t even know.

I feel like I did after the last period of absence from writing post diagnosis, overwhelmed at how to begin sharing.  I find it ironic that my last post (before yesterday) was the one describing the beginning of D day (diagnosis day). I had so much more to write about that.  I have so much more to write about that.  But I guess it will have to come later because I have other news to share…

*Drum roll*

We got a call.

We got THE call.

Then we got the news.The other family was chosen. (More on that later).

Then a couple weeks later we got another call.  Followed by a sweat inducing interview. Followed by a decision that if this wasn’t going to work out we had to go on a real ‘hold’. Followed by yet another call.
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I’m back? Maybe ….

Soooo it’s been nearly 6 months since I’ve last written. Wow.

I always know it’s time to do some writing when people quote portions of an email I’ve sent and have prefaced it with ‘My favourite part is when you said’ … This happens a lot if I’ve shied away from actually writing for a while.  I’ll reread the email and realize there are excerpts of my future book in it.  Then I get all worried that I won’t be able to use it in the said book because of copy write laws.  Then I realize probably my emails are safe and I can most likely use things I’ve written but perhaps just not sell the book to the person I’ve given my words to.  I guess I’d be regifting them for a small fee … hmmm getting off topic.

Or not.

Was there a topic?

Oh yes, I’m back. Well possibly.

Husband was the one who told me I should blog tonight as we were about to partake in our ritualistic ‘It’s-been-a-day-of-roller coaster-news-go-to-the-bulk-store-and-buy-treats-then-watch-the-home-and-garden-channel-because-the-food-network-got-disconnected-off-of-our-free-cable’ kind of a day (we don’t steal the cable by the way, they just never disconnected it when we moved in).

I have no idea why.  It’s not like I’m distributing my emotions out in any unhealthy way right?

Here I am.

My emotions.  My words.  My last 6 months are somewhere deep inside of my heart and waiting to be cultivated.

I hope that amongst the dirt there are some sweet gifts.  I know it will be incredibly tricky for me to gently find them and share, but I think I will try. I have many boundaries to my writing at this point, most of them are the reason I felt I needed to stop.

I’ll brush up on my creative wordsmithing skills.

So …

I guess I’m back.

Maybe.

The Elephant in the Room

Um so yeah … I’ve been avoiding this for quite a while.  As I mentioned in my last post there’s so much I want to get out but I feel overwhelmed at where to start. I guess part of it is not wanting to relive 2 weeks in time that I found particularly disturbing, but more on that later.

There’s an elephant who’s been sitting in the corner, patiently and quietly waiting.  Waiting for me to address him.  He hasn’t said a peep but rather has merely acted invisible until now.  Now I feel that the room is shrinking and he is not and if I’m to get out of it alive and well I had better introduce him.  For some reason I feel like that might make the room expand a little and perhaps, if I’m lucky, make room for us both.

Before I stopped writing in early October I shared with you the story I never wanted to write, in several parts. I shared my reaction to being tested for Multiple Sclerosis.  I shared my symptoms, my feelings, my fears and all that stuff.

What I haven’t yet shared, at least here, was the out come of the testing.

Here we are.

Here we go.
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